Raccoons are actually closer to weasels and ferrets than to bears. Procyonidae, the family that includes raccoons, is a member of the superfamily Musteloidea, which also includes weasels and ferrets. Bears are members of another superfamily, Ursoidea.
Here's the family tree (scroll down for the diagram):
Some context: The Point/Counterpoint debate between Curtin and Ackroyd was a recurring feature on SNL, and was a parody of the Point/Counterpoint segment on CBS's "60 Minutes":
