You're right, it's definitely a prisoner's dilemma. Except in this version, the punishment is usually just awkwardness, and the reward is sometimes igniting life changing connections. It's asymmetrical reward.

It's so easy to overthink the content when it's about the contact. What if it's just "saw this and thought of you"? Could be anything. The connection isn't in having the perfect topic, it's in remembering the connection exists.

You captured the human condition perfectly. We're all walking contradictions trying to guess which fences are real.

One way to look at it is to just test one fence. Just one. If it shocks you, now you know. If it doesn't, now you're free. And either way, you're now no longer guessing.

You're not wrong. Some of us need space more than connection. Your birthday, your rules. There's a difference between healthy boundaries and unnecessary barriers, and it's very personal. The key is knowing which is which.

You're right, socializing has different costs for different people.

Some fences are boundaries, not barriers and that's ok!

Not every fence needs to come down. Honor what serves you.

Growing up inside the fence means never learning there was an outside.

Learning as an adult is like learning a new language, slow, often awkward, but possible.

Start tiny. One word texts. "Hey!"

No pressure for conversation. Just practice existing in someone's inbox. The fence gets weaker with each send.

Thanks for saying this! Following up is the invisible fence that kills more opportunities than anything. You're completely right, sending the second message isn't pushy, it's just acknowledging we're all drowning in notifications.

I now assume everyone needs 2-3 reminders. Not because they don't care, but because life is chaos. Keep following up!

Kids see through our nonsense so clearly. Your daughter just gave you the permission you've been waiting 20 years for.

"Did you have a fight?" "No!" "Then write to her."

That simple. The fence only exists in your head. Twenty years of silence ended by one message. What are you waiting for?

That's amazing to hear! And it definitely feels scary every time.

"Perhaps I'm too sentimental" --> I disagree, you're just brave enough to admit you care. That birthday message that still means something years later? That's the whole point. She probably has no idea she gave you that gift.

The fizzled conversations are less important than the ones you reignite. Every reach out is worth it, even the ones that go nowhere, because you're practicing becoming the person who tries.

What if, you text her right now? Like right now. Don't wait until you finish reading comments. Tell her that birthday message still matters. I bet you'll make her whole week.

Agreed, there’s so much wisdom captured so simply in this comment. I’m still thinking about it.