I believe that this whole Christmas thing is supposed to be a celebration of the Son of God that came to save us from our sins, right? The same One that taught us about forgiveness?
I am sorry for sounding preachy. I just wish I could find a better way to see if you and your wife can make the best out of this amazing opportunity you have every year to heal and make amends with those that should be close to you.
An internet comment is never going to establish the deep level of connection necessary for a message like that, so it's better not to go there here. It will only come across as an attack.
Yes. I said it requires a deep connection, but if you have the conditions for that—such as non-judgment and presence and a willingness to relate to the person exactly as they are—then you are going to have a different kind of conversation anyhow.
First: Forgiveness takes two people. One has to genuinely ask for forgiveness and admit they've done wrong. That's why Jesus wants you to ask him for forgiveness.
Second: Yes, you're being preachy about something you know nothing about and making a lot of assumptions.
If my wife's mom was in a bad mood, she would order her to close the windows. My wife (starting at age 5 or earlier) would start weeping as she closed the windows, knowing that if she didn't it would be worse. She'd then get a beating, for nothing. Her mom would call her worthless, ugly and fat constantly. The times of affection can be counted with the fingers on one hand. It was a lifetime of emotional and physical abuse that she only escaped by running away.
And yet, partly because of guilting from people like you, my wife tried her damnedest to forgive her mom and get her mom to love her. Every time it would end with my mom trying to use her, and putting my wife down. It took years of therapy to get to the point now when she can admit to herself that she's not a bad girl, that she didn't deserve the abuse. And that it's best, to put it mildly, for them to not speak again.
My wife's mom is very similar, from the physical abuse to the insults. Our church friends (those who know) generally get it, but we've had interactions where my wife has been criticized for not having an active relationship with her.
There comes a point at which you can forgive, you can let go, but you can't invite them into your life, both for your family's safety (literally) and per their own wishes. They've shown many times that they don't want a relationship. They want to use you, control you, and abuse you until you try to kill yourself.
It's hard to grasp for someone who hasn't been intimately connected with that type of personality, but there are some parents who genuinely don't love their children and shouldn't be near them.
No assumptions were made, and I don't want to be trading horror stories here... So let me just say that while I have not personally experienced it, I also had people very close to me that suffered a lot on the hands of their parents.
But one thing I can share is they have a common point that for them "forgiving" was about realizing that their parents failed them and not the reverse and that, yes, they probably will never be able to come around their wrongdoings - and yet they are still someone that deserves compassion. It has nothing to do with "guilt-tripping" or getting someone else that was abusive to "love you".
I admit though that the medium is not the best to have this kind of conversations, so there is no way to talk about any of this without seeming confrontational. Sorry about that and all the best to you and your wife.
You're also conflating "forgiveness" with "letting that person interact with you again". What does forgiveness even mean to you? My wife harbors no hate towards her mom, surprisingly. She wants her to find happiness. Just not with her. And certainly not at Christmas.
You can choose to forgive someone because you realize that who they are is simply a product of their genetics and upbringing, without choosing to spend time interacting with them. What good reason could there be for involving someone in your life if all they have given or are likely to give you is abuse?
Just because you've forgiven someone for being a shit human doesn't mean you need to welcome them back into your life with open arms. Forgiveness just means to let go of any resentment, it doesn't mean you can't learn from your lessons and change who you choose to interact with
> make the best out of this amazing opportunity you have every year to heal and make amends with those that should be close to you
If you'd ever had to deal with a truly toxic person you'd know that this is terrible advice. Some people cannot be saved and the only way to save yourself is to strictly control (or even entirely sever) your contact with them.
This goes double for family members, and quadruple for parents.
Of course. I’d never do it lightly and would try to work it out first. But at the end of the day, if the other person isn’t willing to work with you or they otherwise sap your energy then maybe it’s best to move on. Life’s too short for that.
